Wednesday, June 1, 2011

I will truly never understand

Hard drugs and hurting yourself. Our minds our controlled by us, no one else. They can be tampered with by outside sources but what we choose to keep in them and put in them is to an extent in our control. We know drugs are bad for us, we know hurting ourselves will in fact hurt. Why do some do people think that they can not get hooked on something ? They are called drugs after all. Hurting yourself hurts.

The Boys I Have Kissed....

Maybe more appropriately titled: The boys I have made out with.

I am now 19. I have made out with a variety of "types."

I have made out with 13 boys if I recall correctly, though at this point It's getting hard to place them in chronological order. Luckily I have kept detailed journals up until about a year ago. This is because my current boyfriend of about a year and a half is basically my journal. I tell him all my secrets. Now let's get on with it.

My first kiss was in the 7th grade. I remember him fondly. It was my friend's cousin and I just such a crush on him. One day the two of us and a mutual friend were hanging out at his house. We were laying in his bed, I as in the middle, watching the film "Oh brother where art thou'." Our mutual friend decided to take a "nap" when we decided to both have our first kiss. It was awkward, I had gum in my mouth. I tried to be fun and push it into his but I think he got grossed because he put it on his dresser.....gross. he was not very good. He kept stopping to breath deeply, hasn't he heard of nostrils? His cousin, my friend, was a notorious 7th grade slut and he decided to steal one of her moves saying "wanna go in the bathroom?" I nervously agreed but when we got in there nothing happened but awkward silence. I think he thought more was going to come of the trip but it didn't. I never kissed him again.

My second kiss was a boy I dated in 8th grade but never was too embarrassed to like. I kissed him behind the local convenient store and his line was "My nose smells like watermelons." I leaned into smell and he kissed me. He was a nice guy.

My third kiss was my neighbor and childhood friend. I told him about my first kiss and he persuaded me to kiss him. I did. We went into my backyard and sat in a push as I sat on top of him with total control and proceeded to kiss him. Even as an eighth grader I knew I was being hot. I kissed him once after that and I had completely blocked this out before now. I came home from an 8th grade graduation party and called him to come over really late at night. I snuck him into my room through my window and made out for at least an hour. He had beard scruff on his face and my mouth looked like i had been binging on beets all night. After that he continuously asked me to make out with him and such but I never did.

I was peer pressured into my fourth kiss which really doesn't say a lot about my character. My friend was riding me about dating him all day and she finally convinced me to kiss him. We played Marco polo and I kiss him after a long awkward face to face stare in the pool. We then dated and made out in a park tunnel....he was weird and I never liked him.

My 5th kiss was just a hookup buddy. We were all in my friend's camper trailer and she had her boyfriend and his friend over. Long story short I bit his lip then we started kissing. I have do admit he was a pretty sexy kisser for being such an un-sexy guy. He showed me the world of biting lips and I never went back. I kissed him on several occasions and started an "I made out with (insert his name here) Club" with my two friends....we all did it. He would purr in my ear......case closed.

My 6th kiss I was extremely proud of. I was a freshman or sophomore and he was a senior. He was tall, cute, wore flannel and had a beard. Man was he hot. I met him at a party I went to where I was downing tequila. His charming line I will never forget. We were dancing and he said "If I take my dip out, will you make out with me?" I mean come on ladies, who could resist that, am I right? Then the whole night a fat lesbian tried to get me to make out with her as well....what a night to remember.

7th was just a neighborhood boy, nothing special, I kissed him one day at my house.

8th is a true fucking trip. My friend was obsessed with this kid and I knew they had hooked up but I was a shitty friend and I went over his house anyway. At this point I still had done anything more than kissing a guy and was still scared of the thought of touching a dick. I went over his house and we ended up passionately making out on his bed. He was doing the usual tit kissing and whatnot as he was simultaneously trying to either force his hand down my pants or put my hand on his dick. I held strong for a while but decided, "This will be the day I get fingered" WRONG! He pulled my panties down and tried to stick his dick in me! When I asked what he was doing he went and got a condom, I told him I wasn't having sex with him. Then shit got awkward and I went home. It was a true teenage moment for me. I regret that day completely.

Once my junior year of high school hit I got a little more choosy with whom I kissed. My good friend for about 2 years was starting to flirt with me and I really liked the attention. He came over on two occasions and we made out, just friends being bored experimenting kinda thing. I never felt an attachment. I am not dating his best friend.

Next was one of the best hookup up/worst/all of the above hookup experiences. Number 10 was also my number 12 hookup. The first time I made out with him was at my friends party, he had previously dated by best friend's sister. I didn't care. He liked awesome indie rock bands, he had a lip ring and longish brown hair, blue eyes and skinny jeans on. He was everything I wanted in high school. Not to mention three years older than me. I pounced on him like nobodies business. He then proceeded to eat some girl out later that night while the whole party heard her moaning. Real nice guy..... I'll get back to him.

I actually thought I was dating my number 11 but he claimed we were "best friends." He was two years younger than me but much more sexually experienced. I kissed him while he had a girlfriend, twice. And I knew it but I liked him too much. He was another neighbor boy. She found out and I covered for him. Then he broke up with her, started hanging out with me again and told me all these things how he loved me and wanted to marry me. I ate it right up. He got me to give him a hand job and then shortly after a blowjob. My first blowjob experience is definitely memorable. I remember being pretty great at it and when he came I actually thought I threw up in my mouth so I swallowed it and kept going. He then stopped me explaining how he came. Yepp, my first time I swallowed and I thought I threw up. A true sexual rock star over here. He fingered me like once and never ate me out until months later once. This was after I swore off doing things with him because he was a jerk.

So back to my notorious number 10 as  well as 12. After the whole 11 thing, I started hooking up with 10 again. I was experienced this time so one day he was over my house and I gave him head. My mom came downstairs a million times that night but did let him sleepover. I don't know what she was thinking. She would always let me go to his house late and night and sleep there. Though we never had sex we did everything but. I felt free and wild. I was dangerous and sexy. I was young and slutty but with her own rules. It was the wildest I had ever been. But I was still a virgin and I take pride in that. I spent about 2 months hooking up with him, giving him morning head then having him drive me to school. It was naughty and I loved it. I had no romantic feelings for him, hell we never even talked. We had absolutely nothing in common. Once I got bored of him I told my slutty friend to date him and they fucked on my couch at a party and dated for a while. They still hook up to this day.....He's still hot.

However, between the one night and my house and the thousand nights at his, I met his 21 year old friend and made out with him twice. It actually started a fight at a party and I felt awesome about myself.

Next I had a small forced crush on my friend's boyfriend's friend. I made out with him once and It was the worst kiss of my life. He was unlucky number 13 I guess.

Lastly before my current boyfriend is another one of his best friends. We made out a few times and he even saw my tits. Funny, I had a hickey on one of them from number 10/12....This one asked if He gave it to me and I was like "nahh,  I got it last night from blah blah." I became emotionally detached for a while.

after those stints was in love with a boy from another state, I still want to kiss him to this day.

Though I fantasize about what could be sometimes I am completely in love and happy at the moment to the one I love and lost my virginity to. He treats me like a good boyfriend should treat a girlfriend and I know no one person could treat me better. I had a wild few years in high school and though some of my choices weren't so great, they all made me a better person, a more emotionally in touch person and a better lover to the one I love.